I Love You

This student taught me that I should always wear shorts under my dresses and skirts. As a first-year assistant principal, I wore dresses and skirts because I thought I needed to look professional; however, I quickly learned that I would spend a lot of time sitting on the floor, getting up and down, moving around, or bending over—all movements that don’t work well with a dress or a skirt. He was with me from kindergarten through 5th grade, and we spent a lot of time together over those years.

He did not like coming to school. He was often disruptive in class and was prone to aggression and meltdowns. When it became too much in the classroom, he usually wound up with me and/or our school counselor. We learned a lot about him during that time. He had a rough home life. His mom and dad had been on and off of drugs, and in and out of jail. His older sister was a special needs student and his living situation went back and forth between his mom and grandmother. A lot was going on and you could see it through his behavior. Once he was calm, he loved to talk and color, and he loved monster trucks.

During some of his more memorable meltdowns around 1st or 2nd grade, he would flip me off when he was mad. He would flip off any adult in the room when he was angry. He never said anything when he did it, but he was very aggressive in his mannerisms and it was clear that he was mad. I generally ignored him, but one day I was feeling exasperated, so I looked at him and said, “Do you even know what that means?” He looked at me with a grumpy expression, crossed his arms over his chest, and said “No.” I waited for a minute and then looked him in the eye and told him that it meant “I Love You.” I said it as seriously as could be and he just looked at me, so I told him again, “It means, I Love You.”

We didn’t discuss the flipping off again, but he was calm for the day and we went on about our business. A few days later, he flipped me off again and I asked him if he remembered what that meant. Again, he gave me the grumpy look, crossed his arms over his chest, and said, “No.” I reminded him that it meant “I Love You.” This time, my school counselor was in the room and he looked at her while she shook her head yes, showing agreement about what it meant. Another time my assistant principal was part of the conversation and confirmed that’s what it meant, and then the School Resource Officer (SRO) confirmed it, and so on. Eventually, that became the response when he flipped any adult off. We would calmly look at him and say “I Love You Too.”

Eventually, he stopped. He stopped flipping us off, and he became more agreeable and more willing to work. There were still issues and episodes, but overall he improved greatly from those first couple of years. As we continued into the upper grades, he met regularly with our school counselor and me. We worked to mentor him and I developed a close relationship with his mom and his grandmother. We communicated regularly and he knew that we were all working together to support him. He knew that we loved him and that we were going to take care of him. After his 5th-grade promotion ceremony, I told his grandmother the story of him flipping us off and us telling him it meant “I Love You.” She laughed, hugged me, and thanked me for all we had done for him.

This story is one that I shared with my family and close friends. It became a story that I shared with staff as an example of spending time with a student and having patience. It became a story that spoke for my work as well as the dedication and love that I showed my students. It became an example of the dedication and love that the teachers and staff showed to this student. It became an example of the dedication and love that supported him and eventually provided him with a foundation of love and support for his years in elementary school.

Working with students who come from challenging backgrounds takes time and patience. It takes a willingness to think outside of the box. There’s no manual that tells you what to do when a student flips you off. There’s no checklist of directions to follow that leads you to getting a student on the right path. Most teachers instinctively work to support students in this manner. I can think of numerous examples similar to this one from my years of teaching and even more examples that I witnessed as a principal. Teachers are resilient. However, to best support students, teachers need support. The teachers who worked with the student I described above were all able to help him because they knew I was there and willing to help when needed. His teachers were willing to work with him because they saw me working with him.

In those moments of exasperation, those moments of frustration, we have a choice. We have a choice about what to say, how to react, and how we will respond to our students and to each other. How we respond has consequences. What would have happened if I yelled at that child? What would have happened if the teacher had not seen me supporting that child? What would have happened if I had not supported that teacher? My choice will always be to respond with empathy and love. When they flip me off, I will say “I Love You.”