What Happened to You?

The first day of school was yesterday, but for the first time in 47 years, it wasn’t the first day for me. My first day of school was in kindergarten at age 5, and I continued having first days through college, then as a teacher, an instructional coach, an assistant principal, and finally, as a principal. Not having a first day of school is hard, it is weird, and most of all, it hurts. It’s not about how or why I came not to have a first day, it’s just that it is such a drastic change. It is a change that reaches to the core of who I am or who I was. Before, it was clear-cut. I could say I am a principal at an elementary school and everyone knew what that meant. Now, when I say I am an education consultant or advocate, they ask what does that mean? And honestly, I don’t know completely know yet. I am still trying to figure it out. 

During my “time off,” I’ve been reading the book What Happened to You? by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey and I have a few “nuggets” of information that really resonated with me, so I wanted to share them with you. First, is the concept of What is wrong with you? versus What happened to you? This idea relates back to my assistant principal days. The question What is wrong with you? was regularly posed to students (not by me!) especially those who were repeat offenders. However, as I transitioned to the role of principal, we began to work on understanding that our students were not always choosing the behaviors we were seeing, they were acting out because of the things that had happened to them. 

Another concept is the idea of “cereal moments.” Oprah shared the story of a young girl who had lost her mom to cancer. Before her death, the family decided to spend time taking trips together; however, when the girl shared her favorite memory of her mom, it was one of her and her mom eating a bowl of cereal together at 2:00 in the morning. Dr. Perry explained that the small moments when we “feel the other person fully present, fully engaged, connected, and accepting” are when we create to strongest bonds. How does that relate to school? It means that every moment matters. As educators, we have to take time… time to be sure that we are creating intentional, positive interactions with students. Taking time to say, “It’s good to see you” or “I’m happy you are here.” Two things that were non-negotiable at my school were greeting students at the door and daily morning meetings. Most teachers encouraged the students to choose their greetings. They could shake hands, hug, fist bump, etc., and in the morning meetings, most classrooms provided opportunities for students to greet each other and share ideas or feelings.  Both of these practices created intentional positive moments for the students. 

A final concept that stood out to me is that children who are dysregulated will not learn. The book gives a good user-friendly explanation of why this is true, but basically, when a child is dysregulated, they cannot use the “smart” part of their brain. In a classroom, if we ignore this fact and try to teach them, it won’t work. Some students may internalize their emotions and just shut down. They might daydream, ignore the teacher, or fall asleep; however, the students who externalize their emotions will become disruptive or defiant. These students might bang on their desk, throw pencils, rip up books/papers, and sometimes, they will destroy the classroom. Sometimes they will do things to hurt themselves. When students are dysregulated, they do not feel safe. How can teachers and schools help students feel safe? They have to work to build relationships with students first and foremost. Dr. Perry explains that “the more positive time you spend with someone, the more your brain categorizes that person as safe and familiar.” As you can imagine, this takes time. Time that many believe should be spend teaching the standards or preparing for “the test”; however, if we ignore the behavior that stems from dysregulation, students are not learning anyway. This relates back to concept of “cereal moments” in that every moment matters. 

These are only three concepts from the book What Happened to You (I haven’t even completely finished reading the book yet!) but, these concepts have a huge impact on the work that teachers are faced with every single day. Not only do they have to teach the standards and prepare students to take a standardized test, but they also have to be able to navigate the emotions and feelings that students bring to school with them every day. Often teachers are the ones bearing the brunt of these emotions. They are the ones dealing with the outbursts and destruction of classrooms. They are the ones being hit, kicked, and spit on. They are the ones spending hours preparing lessons and analyzing standards to teach their classes. They spend hours preparing for the individual needs of 20 or more kids. They create token boards, visual schedules, calm corners, reward programs, and class Facebook pages. They spend hours over the course of a school year sitting in IEP meetings (or writing the IEPs). They are often ridiculed on social media. They are often made to feel as if they are the problem, that they are not doing enough; that they are not doing the “right” things, but no one seems to be able to tell them what the “right” thing is… or better yet, the people who come up with the “right” thing haven’t stepped foot in the school. I’ve said it before and I will say it again… it’s too much.